Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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