i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
