apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
