well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
