you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
