Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
