I love black thongs
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
