Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Edward fifth and chaser hands
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
