you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
