You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
