She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
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