i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
