If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
