I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
