i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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