Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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