My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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