Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
