tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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