having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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