It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
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No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
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I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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