the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
