im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
