Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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