do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
