That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
