I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
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The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
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I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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