we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
