i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
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