Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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