soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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