I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
