Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
