You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Randomize
