my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
