I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
