Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
