My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
