Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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