physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Two words: blizzard sex
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
