he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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