I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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