I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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