Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
