then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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