I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
