I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
