another moral hangover. fuck.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
