I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
