I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
