Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Your mouth is God's brothel.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
