I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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