I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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