a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
