Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
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Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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