The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
