that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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