Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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